what's mattering you ?

It always matter me that what's mattering you ?

i can't see anyone mattering around me and

I'm helpless or useless to them.....

DArk v/s light

light : what you doing
dark : missing you
dark : what about you
light : nothing much just wondering that
 what's mattering you in this world ?
dark : its my regrets which i can't express to anyone
light : why cant ?
dark : just cant !
light :my be difficult with me but as soon as possible ,
find some right time, right place, right person to share it

today i found why you always look silent... wondering..disturbed..messed up..not perfect..
and why never heard that your happy !!!

but trust me the day you share it with right one you will say

.....TODAY I'M HAPPY.....

just for you mahi......

         yOu   AnD  I

It was fluke that you and i became pals

and now we lust as soul of togetherness

i do desire in my silent heavy heart

to lust our soul of togetherness last forever

here is the forbidden line

ever i do long as ever but fail to step over it

hey today I'm very happy and reason behind it is nothing... so its making more happier to me........
and i never thought in my exam time i will be writing blogs for you...
this is first time I'm so cool in my exam days !
hmm well here we go to discussion


i feel activity of ours depend on many things like some take help of astrologer , any saint or their own religious saint or who can say about future or who is wise according to us . its okay with all these things only if you believe or trust at yourself , for your step chosen by yourself.
and its not that if any astrologer said that this year you will be failure for whatever you do and sitting at home and chanting ......try and try for the success

as there are match fixer like wise we are mind fixer ...so our mind work as we fix it,so brain works according to it, we don't work according to our brain..our brain become positive and works wisely if we fix such things in it. 
unless you don't trust and believe at your work and don't work on it with hope of success it will be doing the work but not be able to  reach its destiny because boss you never showed the goal,aim or destiny in your map to brain then how could you ?
i can give you my own instance
once i was in conversation with my friend and she said me that you know what you use your brain everywhere except in accountancy ! where as i have fixed in my mind that accounts is none of my business .....and i said her you know my statues at it as she is my childhood pal she know my goodness in all but still she said to try it .. and love then only you can own it and i somewhere respected on accepted what she said .

and joke does not ends here ... I'm saying joke because what I'm saying next is not less then any joke for me
and after a day another friend at whose home some guest were their and in that one of was astrologer and i said my friend to ask something about me .. she asked about my studies so reply as i could good at banking but she don't study it right  ?

 

hey

after couple of months I'm here again with intangible feelings of mine...... hardly in words just for you .

recently some stuff happened . after four days when i came out of frustration , only after writing it in my dairy , then i was thinking !!! what now ? all unwanted happened , everything is finished even i transferred all in my dairy.. even tears n all rubbish thinking all over and what is left ? it only copy paste in blog !! that time i realised how once life tragedy becomes an others entertaining blog .

well lets not be so dramatic and over acting !!

so what i want to discuss is nowadays I'm badly believing in luck for instance when someone say that particular person is lucky and another interrupt saying there is nothing lucky and unlucky here its all our thinking when things do not go according to us . in that case my buts is that , its true that the word luck, lucky and lucky person have got true meaning . for instance when xyz have done unforgivable work and still people who from far also don't belong to them becomes scapegoat of their belongings and still xyz is considered as innocent..

sometimes people are given freedom which they are not supposed to be given because they don't deserve it and we need to bear the captive life which they deserve and we are not suppose to own it. but still .....its luck which do unfair



and you know what ! now my heart is not stable say as ( chanchal )not capable to decide who is wise ? who is right ? who is mine ....hm well as i said for me my friends are only to whom i can give space even when my mind is congested . because they care enough........trust more then enough........



okay ! who is wise n who is right these confusion is because .... once it happened that many were giving me use full thoughts that what kind of people we should trust and not ... in that some say should not believe in strangers , some says orkut friends , some says all friends are not trustworthy, while next person to me was shoo king his head .. and when that person says the person next to you may not be trust able and when my next person heard it , he just once again analyse it that , hey !!! what i heard and reply what you saying I'm trustworthy and move away from there . that show how one feel insecure when someone say about their character .

i don't mean to say its wrong to suggest but its wrong to suggest at wrong time to anyone as i was already hand cuffed by frustration

trust word is dangerous if done on wrong person and very beautifull and sensitive which has to be handle carefully ..when once we get someone trustworthy and only we can decide that one is trustworthy or not only when we ourself have conversation with anyone...

well this blog may not have enough proper sentence which you can get easily because i have got hefty of thoughts in my mind these days so all are collapsed with one another sorry.....

thanks for your patience ....

twin fragrance

Here i would like to share some poems which i liked most from the book named TWIN FRAGRANCE By PURNENDU MITRA
hope u may like it ......

ON THE BANK OF THE RUPNARAYAN

on the bank of rupnarayan

i rose from nightlong slumber

and knew that world is not a dream

i witnessed yuor splendour

in the glowing letter by sorrow

i untravelled myself

truth is not soft but hard

i learnt to love it in my heart

because it deceives none

life is a ceaseless saga of woe till death

to gain the immense value of truth

to meet death death debtless

RABINDRANATH TAGORE

MEMORIES

only melodies of your blood regin supreme

how breathless have i traversed long distance

allbeit rolling on long leisurely hours

down the horizon of memory

deep darkness air of forgetfulness billow the pallid zet

that shrouds the amour long lost

how leangthy and wear is someone ways

have i come across with baited breath !

i fail to remember countless moments

of stifling days that rend me within tirelessly

through your unending music signs in my blood

SAMAR SEN

JOURNY KNOWS NO END

have i ever told any of you that i have reached the end ?

if , so you can presume either

there was travesty of truth

or faulted was my faith

fairly , shoul i tell about

my passion 'start and go' - never stop

but where is the goal ?

i fail to single out ,

through i really know the end of the journy

to reach the end is very urgent and on that specific

i've little faith in

let me entreat those who believe in unending

movement-may come along with me

but ask me no further

for the willing wanderer to reach the real end

modesty may i warn them not to join

nirendranath chakrovarthy

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE TO READ IT ONCE

WHY YOU REMIND ME THAT ITS MA.................

I remember one of my birthday when mom and bro brought a red colour car for me , and once mom and cousin brought pyramid game to join the peaces, as i grew up mom stopped to bring gifts for me ,as she had no idea that what to gift at every birthday , but as i was addicted or say as used to it to get it from mom , i use to force my mom to take some bucks and just go to gift shop and bring whatever she like , later on its totally stopped........ but i have something hilarious secret thing i do shhhhh............ hmm but its secret how could be revel , you would be thinking if its secret why to mention it, but its fun to do this sorry !

and i was just crazy about gift from mom nothing more exciting on birthday when i was small . some people take their birthday more than anything in there life even they are nothing in life. when some people hate their life or the routine of their life or anything related to them they take revenge from them self by being sad or sharing hard feeling of their life Blah blah blah

but why they celebrate i don't protest for being happy on birthday but why to be happy only on birthday why not everyday, nevertheless hard feeling in all odd days on their life ,and show off by being such a happy men on birthday and making fuss of it. I'm not crazy about my birthday but i love to wish people on 12 at night as it give happiness to them most that someone wait till 12 to be first wisher and we to have same happiness that we wished first.

when people ask me when is your birthday something sad feeling happen in stomach and make me to say happily its on 18Th Feb and deep thinking that why i feel sad when someone remind of my birthday even my friends in new year its my birthday comes first and from Jan they keep saying that my birthday is on 18Th Feb as more louder then our cell reminder. and my brother also don't like his birthday i just came to know about it in my last birthday as next day of my birthday he asked are you happy with your birthday ,he mean was it happening birthday , yeah i said with confusion and his birthday comes on Feb 20Th ,i keep saying him at least according to date I'm elder then you ! lolz
he keep trying to make my birthday happening and i try to do same for him........ well lets see how happening this birthday go

And i want to know how you celebrate your birthday and what do you feel about this day !!!!!!!

WALLS MY PALS

They were five ,each of them always thought that, she is the only who cry in silent and panic in the dark and, rejoice beyond the broken heart in the light of the world , and other four are happy was the thinking of each one of them.

once they went for walk , all were happy just because they were together.when they laugh together world turn back to have a look on those hi five ,well they started to share about their family drama and effect of that on them, really all were heavy hearted and not only that they also had complaint that, parents don't understand them but they also agreed that, its not their mistake nor of us, its only the problem of generation that ,they have never seen or experienced the generation like present we have and we cant step back to past generation.....

( Here they are not talking about generation which include jeans , cell , late night party , or any boy friend ,its about household work . their parents says ,they had responsibility of whole family ,when they were of our age . where as here we are not able to take our own responsibility , hey just imagine what if in this generation you try to take every body's responsibility, the answer we get is either, mind your own business or its none of your business, some may not say it directly as they whisper it within themselves , when come to matter of household work , we feel that we have done enough work and that work is not countable in their account, only hefty work is countable, which is not possible everyday if we are college going students , they compare them to working children who don't go to school and college sometime they warn that we may not be able to proceed our studies if things go in same pattern)

well topic continued with asking that have anyone cried in dark n silent , they were looking at each other and sorrow in their eye of all and she continued and said yeah i do when family drama occur... and another said yeah i too do so, in dark room in silent where i cant be heard in crowd even, and the walls of room are only who can watch us while we cry and only those walls can console us when we will be in arms of them and in future we will miss those walls who supported us when we had no support , we will also thank them by touch with smile n tears if , luckily they will remain same and again she said yeah we have friends , family , and other relations are common who support in our melancholy days but walls are weird to do so.
once night they five were together sorry ,one was missing there, well their question was , have you ever tried to commit suicide or have you ever attempted it ? well one of them answered so gladly, that yeah i thought to do so, the way she replied was something like.. they were feeling as if she feel its funny to do. and moving to second one she too confessed yeah...... once i too thought to do so. ( many people feel or fix to commit it , their are also some people who wish to commit but what to say about their guts they are even afraid to express it in words , but also their are some people who have guts to express but no guts to attempt !) next night all were together even missing one, so they asked the same question to friend ,who was missing last night, well it was serious time when sadly she replied, yeah i have attempted it twice, once with stole ,at that time she felt unconscious at the right time her family members came and hold her and thought it may be because of weakness but still now they don't know that, she tried something thing which is dangerous for her life and also once with knife but she was not successful that time also . After few days one of my relative came to my home , who was close to me and i remember once she also said me that, she have tried to committed suicide, so i asked about it in detail ,but she didn't said in detail means she didn't said the reason but, you know what ! she have tried it trice just imagine how could she ? but she did which was not so easy to do so and she couldn't success in it.

And my friend dared to ask this question to her mother and she replied i never thought to commit but i just think how people dare to do so and from where they get such guts . yeah from here i remember the one who tried to commit it whose family is not yet aware of it , she said its not about guts nor it need something big to happen or anything like that , she said. my reason was silly and i was in school that time that was not my age to take such big step . it just happen when something hurt or panic us , we just lose our conscious and do it, after doing if we are alive we realise how big mistake we did that time and if we are dead then god knows its result. well i said her hey buddy i also wanna try it , she said strictly don't you dare ! i said your so selfish you can enjoy all stuff then why cant i ...... we gave look to each other and smiled ....

From few days I'm discussing this matter with my close ones, when this question was kept in front of them, we just get an answer by their first facial expression. I'm saying first because they just flashback if something happened like that and feel sorry for them self and if they wish to share with us they do or else they don't. they may choose either option but when they explain their facial expressions will be better then first one which shows that they are consoling them self for whatever .

today that is on 31st December 2009 i watched movie named 3 idiots which remind me about five idiots in my life. well movie had lot to learn for parents, teachers and students as well and it was also had concept of suicide which helped to know more about this matter.

and when movie was in end something happened to one college guy i don't know what happened but i speculate that he may realised something or he might have any problem like showed in movie so, he may be frustrated ,he was not conscious his friend was shouting to awake him and my friend next to me was almost panic and was to cry and i screamed at her to control her emotions and my sis offered water to awake him ,anyhow he was taken from there we all were scared and I'm still thinking what would be story behind his condition .